Breaking News: Big East to Add Two New Teams

Breaking news out of Providence this morning…Big East Commissioner John Marinatto just announced that the conference has added three new teams to replace the departing Syracuse and Pitt.

“Today is a great day for the Big East and amateur athletics as a whole. In the wake of upheaval and disrepair, we have emerged stronger. It is with great honor that I announce to you today, beginning in the 2012 season, we will add to our legendary conference not just the TCU Horned Frogs, but two other prestigious institutes to replace Syracuse and Pitt.”

Marinatto then introduced the following two teams as the conference’s newest members:



In a move that will surely impress the younger fans of Big East football, the conference will welcome in Dora the Explorer and her friends in 2012. This group’s greatest strength is depth on both sides of the ball and talent at the skill positions.

Speedy scat-back Boots the Monkey is extremely dangerous outside the hash-marks. He runs a 4.3 40 and can turn on a dime. Look for him to return kicks in addition to be the team’s feature back.

Look for wide receiver The Backpack to lead the team in receptions this year. He’s beenquarterback Dora the Explorer’s favorite target for years and is as sure handed as any receiver in the nation despite his lack of hands. With his size, look for him to line up as a tight end from time to time as well.

The big question mark is if the O-line will be able to protect quarterback Dora the Explorer for a full season. Head coach The Map is banking that his inexperienced offensive line of Explorer girls including Naiya, Kate, Emma, Alana, and Teenage Dora will be able to use teamwork and speed to open up holes for Boots and protect Dora the Explorer in the pocket. Whether that will happen remains to be seen.

On the defensive side of the ball, it’s all about lockdown cover corner Swiper the Fox. Swiper may be the first cornerback since Charles Woodson to win the Heisman and is already at the top of many All-America lists. His quick feet and sticky hands make him a nightmare for any offensive coordinator. His only weakness is when a receiver yells out, “Swiper No Swiping!” at which point, his coverage becomes extremely ineffective.




All in all, Team Dora looks to field a strong team in 2012, and should contend for the Big East title right away. Defensive end The Big Red Chicken will anchor a young defensive line and Benny the Bull has the potential to be an All-American Mike Linebacker. If the receivers, Abuela and King Bobo, can stay healthy, (that’s a big if), the offense can be very potent, especially with a poised pocket passer like Dora slinging the rock. It remains to be seen if Free Safety Tico the Squirrel and Fullback Isa Iguana will ever live up to their potential. My bet is on no, but this team should win at least nine games in a very competitive Big East.


The 1992 Charlotte Hornets

There are a few details still to be worked out regarding amateur eligibility and time travel, but Commissioner Marinatto assured everyone that the 1992 Charlotte Hornets would be ready to play at the start of the 2012 season. Featuring NBA legends like Alonzo Mourning and Mugsy Bogues, the Hornets will be a force to be reckoned with once they enter the Big East.

Kendall Gill is expected to start as quarterback, and if all goes right with the space time continuum, he expects to see both Larry Johnson and Grandmama lined up at separate wideout positions at the same time. Alonzo Mourning will anchor the defense at free safety, lining up alongside the likes of Del Curry, Johnny Newman, and David Wingate.

Additionally, much will be expected from defensive end Hugo the Hornet, who will serve a three game suspension for lending his image to an endorsement for Visa and First Union. He is appealing the decision. 

The Hornets greatest struggle will be depth, as they can only field fifteen players, but if head coach Allan Bristow can come up with some magic, 2012 could be the year for 1992 Charlotte Hornets.

“We were very disappointed when Pitt and Syracuse chose to leave for the ACC, but this announcement today has turned that disappointment into hope for a significantly brighter future,” Maranatto said at a press conference today. “We are excited and optimistic about the Big East’s future moving ahead, and look forward to welcoming TCU, Dora the Explorer and Friends, and the 1992 Charlotte Hornets into our family in the next year. 2012 is going to be the best year yet for the Big East!”

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Breaking News: PAC 12 Announces Two Team Expansion!


This just in…Joe Schad of ESPN is reporting that the PAC 12 has reversed their stance, and is, in fact, adding two new teams to the conference. This has been confirmed by PAC 12 commissioner Larry Scott. Both teams will begin conference play in August 2012. No word yet on whether the PAC 12 plans on any further expansion.


Here are the details:



The Bushwhackers will join the PAC 12’s South Division in 2012. Hailing from New Zealand, the Bushwhackers debuted in the WWF in 1989 and quickly took the sports world by storm. They never won a championship during their storied seven year career, but that may all change starting next year as they set their sights on the Rose Bowl and possibly a national championsip. They boast a strong running game, being as they tend to not be able to recognize pain. However, time will tell if they possess the fine motor skills to develop an equally strong passing attack. The fact that their entire team is composed of two men in their sixties also may prove to be a hindrance. Nonetheless, the Bushwhackers will be eyeing a PAC 12 Championship starting next year!



With the upcoming departure of Andrew Luck to the NFL it is very possible that Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids will enter the PAC 12 North as odds on favorites to win the division. With talented left guard Fat Albert opening up holes for him, running back Dumb Donald could be an early favorite for next year’s Heisman. Add to that wily quarterback Rudy Davis and his two pronged air attack of Mushmouth and Weird Harold, and you have all the makings of a national championship contender. The team will also be playing all of their games in a North Philadelphia junkyard, giving them one of the most sizable homefield advantages in the coference, rivaled only by Oregon’s Autzen Stadium.

No word yet on whether the PAC 12 will change its name to the PAC 14 or if it will pursue any more members. Thanks again to ESPN’s Joe Schad for breaking this story.

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NFL Picks Week 2

God, last week was a trainwreck. If not for Tom Brady turning into an UGG wearing superman, it would have been a one win week.

Seriously, this guy threw for over 500 yards.

Nonetheless, two wins still sucks dirty assholes, so I’m hoping this week will treat me better.

Home teams in CAPS.

2-5 for the season.

BUFFALO (-3) over Oakland because West Coast team playing an early game on the east coast? Thanks for the easy money. West Coast team playing an early game on the east coast following a late Monday night road game? Thanks for the very easy money.

Green Bay (-10) over CAROLINA because this is the game where everyone realizes, “Oh, Cam Newton was playing Arizona in Week 1, and Arizona sucks. Now it makes sense.”

WASHINGTON (-3.5) over Arizona because this is the the other game where everyone realizes, “Oh, Cam Newton was playing Arizona in Week 1, and Arizona sucks. Now it makes sense.”

Tampa Bay (+3) over MINNESOTA because I am steadfastly holding to the belief that Minnesota is terrible. I mean, the Chargers in September are the equivalent of the Raiders anytime. Those guys don’t start trying until Week 8, and Minnesota still couldn’t beat them. Plus, Tampa lost to a good Detroit team.

Philadelphia (-2) over ATLANTA because dammit, the Eagles are good. Not good enough to warrant being called the Dream Team, but they’re good. Easily the best in the East. And Atlanta could very well be very overrated. It’s gonna take Julio Jones a while to figure everything out, and Mike Vick could thrive on the Atlanta crowd.

Dallas (-3) over SAN FRANCISCO because San Fran had the benefit of playing Seattle last week, and that game was close until Ted Ginn got lucky on two kicks. By the way, have fun with him doing nothing on all of your fantasy teams for the rest of the season. Dallas hung with a very good Jets team, and like usual, choked in a game where everyone was watching. Classic Cowboys season of always beating the teams they should, and never beating anyone good.

Houston (-3) over MIAMI because the Dolphins are a mess. They got lucky to even get that close to the Pats. Houston knows they’re in a cupcake division and they need to roll over teams like this. Schaub and Andre Johnson have a huge day, and prove that Brady’s Week 1 performance was as much about how shitty the Dolphins are as it was about him. Also, he still will never live this down:

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College Football Picks: Week 3 (And The Winner Is…)

You may have heard that I’ve been the crowdsourcing my college football allegiance this year. Without further adieu, I will be throwing my full will and support behind…Baylor! At the suggestion of my friend, Kevin, I’m jumping on the bandwagon of the Bears! Whoo! Clearly, Baylor heard about this crowdsourcing idea and came out to impress me against TCU. Not only that, but they were the only school to have the balls to stand up to Texas A&M and try to keep their conference together. Baylor, you have balls. And you’re impressive. I am now a fan.

Although, those pants with the claw marks have got to go.

On to the games!

One other thing: we’re counting USC-Utah last week as a push because there was no definitive ruling among the sportsbooks, as they were split down the middle on what to do.

Home teams in CAPS.

3-3 last week

6-7 for the season

BAYLOR (-27.5) over Stephen F. Austin because let’s take the new team out for a ride and see what they can do. Here’s the thing, if you can put up 50 on TCU, chances are you’re going to beat the shit out of Stephen F. Austin. Robert Griffin III, do what you do. Side note: What do we have to do to get Stephen F. Austin to change the name of their school to Stone Cold Steve Austin? You’re telling me that doesn’t at least double enrollment? Please.

Auburn (+3.5) over CLEMSON because Clemson barely got by Wofford. And apparently, all Auburn plays is close games. So if they’re getting three and a half, I’m in.

Michigan State (+5.5) over NOTRE DAME because wait, this is a typo right? The chokejob kings are favored? I might take Central Michigan getting 5 against this heartless Notre Dame team. Notre Dame is so scared of getting yelled at for making mistakes, that all they’re doing is making mistakes. They can’t finish and they can’t win.

Arizona State (+2) over ILLINOIS because Arizona State is absolutely for real. Brock Osweiler is an absolute G, and this team will contend for the PAC 12 title. Illinois is another Big 10 also ran who will do nothing of substance, except for almost beat a good team towards the end of the season.

Oklahoma (-3) over FLORIDA STATE because I refuse to believe in Florida State until they actually do something worth meriting a no.5 ranking. Landry Jones is for real, and I got roped into taking the Seminoles in this spot last year. Fool me twice, hell no.

MIAMI (-2.5) over Ohio State because cool kids always root for the U. Granted the U won’t be playing football in a year, but until then, cool kids root for them. God, this is the saddest game ever.

NEBRASKA (-17.5) over Washington because Nebraska is the class of the Big 10 and Washington is at best an average PAC 12 team. Home field advantage + Taylor Martinez = big win.

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The Game Looks Way Different Through the Eyes of A Gambler.

Holy crap. USC-Utah just ended, and in my two years of picking games I’ve never gone through so many different emotions in such a short amount of time. Here’s the story of what just happened.

First of all, SC was favored at home by 6.5 points. I picked Utah to cover.

USC leads 17-14. With twenty seconds and no timeouts left, Utah has a fourth down in USC territory. Utah quarterback Jordan Wynn completes a pass to Devonte Christopher for what looks like a first down. Christopher catches it, leans over the first down line then gets pushed backwards. The official gives him an absolutely atrocious spot, so bad that the announcers openly call him out on it. We see the play on replay and it’s clear that the official spotted the ball about a yard and a half short. The linesmen bring out the chains, measure it, and the Utes look to be about four inches short.

USC lines up in victory formation, is literally on the verge of snapping the ball when we get a whistle. The spot is under review. Sure enough, the booth gets the call right and Utah has a first down.

Now here’s the thing. If USC had gotten the kneel down in, I’m happy. SC wins by 3, Utah covers, and I win. Now, if Utah gets a touchdown here I’m still happy, because obviously, they’re still covering with a three point win. However, let’s say Utah kicks a field goal. The game’s tied and goes to overtime. There’s a damn good chance that SC scores a touchdown and an extra point and ends up covering by a half point. So at this point, I’m rooting for one of two things: Utah touchdown. USC stop. Just not a Utah field goal.

Next play, Utah gets a pass interference call, which gives them a first down and puts them in field goal range. There’s eleven seconds left. On comes the field goal kicker. Fuck. Best case scenario right now is either a miss or a block. Just don’t let Utah make the field goal.

The ball’s snapped, the kick is up- wait no it’s not! It’s blocked! Oh yes! It’s blocked! USC holds! Utah covers! And all is well with the world!

Wait! What the fuck?! USC has picked up the blocked ball and they’re running it back! No! Stop it! Lay down on the one and run the clock out! Please! Nooooo!!!!!! USC scores a touchdown and covers with a nine point win.

Wait a minute. There’s a flag down around the USC 40. It’s an unsportmanlike conduct penalty because half of the USC bench ran onto the field. And because of a new rule this year, an unsportmanlike conduct penalty during a scoring play results in the points being taken off the board, which means…USC doesn’t score a touchdown! USC wins by 3! Utah covers! I win! I win! God, gambling makes everything better.

Update: Two hours after I posted this story, PAC-12 officials awarded the touchdown to USC, giving them the win and the cover. According to Darren Rovell, sportsbooks are split as to award based on the original score, seeing as how many already paid out for the Utah win. So like I said, gambling:it’s fun for everyone. Or no one, depending on your outlook.

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Week 1 NFL Picks

Ooooooohhhh football! Finally you’re back. Let this seventeen love affair begin…

Home teams in CAPS.

Pittsburgh (+1.5) over BALTIMORE because as we’ve all heard so many times already, and as we saw on Thursday, this year is going to be all about continuity. Both teams have it, but Pittsburgh has an elite QB and a defense that’s not over the hill.

Atlanta (-2) over CHICAGO because it’s pretty much universally agreed that Chicago was one of the luckiest teams in league history last year. This year, they should come back to earth with a much harder schedule and the new kickoff rule castrating their special teams. Plus Matt Ryan has another weapon in Julio Jones, and the whole team looks to poised to make another leap this year.

Detroit (+1.5) over TAMPA BAY because fuck it, let’s jump on the bandwagon. I’m not gonna get my panties in a wad and predict a deep playoff run like some people, but Detroit’s gonna be good this year. Ndamukong (no spell check!) Suh should make the same jump into superstardom that Clay Matthews made last year. And if the offense stays healthy, they don’t have a lot of holes. Tampa Bay won’t take a big step back this year, but it will be a step back. Two pretty even, good but not great, teams. Detroit in a close game.

CLEVELAND (-6.5) over Cincinnati because yeah let’s trust a rookie quarterback and a rookie wide receiver who’ve had seven weeks to learn the offense on the road. Cincinnati is going to be awful this year. Cleveland is going to be less awful. They also have Peyton Hillis, and Colt McCoy, who could very well mature into the definition of the term “serviceable”.

Tennessee (+2) over JACKSONVILLE because who the fuck cuts their starting quarterback the week of the opener?! For Luke McCown?! I understand the only responsibility for that position is to hand the ball to MJD, but really?! So much for continuity.

SAN DIEGO (-8.5) over Minnesota because this should be the year when San Diego doesn’t suck in September. Very little turnover, and it seems like Philip Rivers is ready to make the jump into that top group of quarterbacks that both put up stats and win games.

New England (-7) over MIAMI because Miami is already preparing for the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. They tried to fire their coach for Jim Harbaugh, thought about trading for Kyle “Seriously Stop Calling Me Randy” Orton, and had that whole “Let’s honor Tim Tebow’s National Championship Team” debacle. I expect Albert Haynesworth to rip someone’s leg off and start chewing on the bloody stump. It’s going to be ugly.

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Arizona State’s “Blackout” Promotion Probably Sounded Like a Really Good Idea in Theory…

Then these girls showed up in fucking blackface.

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