NFL Picks Week 2

God, last week was a trainwreck. If not for Tom Brady turning into an UGG wearing superman, it would have been a one win week.

Seriously, this guy threw for over 500 yards.

Nonetheless, two wins still sucks dirty assholes, so I’m hoping this week will treat me better.

Home teams in CAPS.

2-5 for the season.

BUFFALO (-3) over Oakland because West Coast team playing an early game on the east coast? Thanks for the easy money. West Coast team playing an early game on the east coast following a late Monday night road game? Thanks for the very easy money.

Green Bay (-10) over CAROLINA because this is the game where everyone realizes, “Oh, Cam Newton was playing Arizona in Week 1, and Arizona sucks. Now it makes sense.”

WASHINGTON (-3.5) over Arizona because this is the the other game where everyone realizes, “Oh, Cam Newton was playing Arizona in Week 1, and Arizona sucks. Now it makes sense.”

Tampa Bay (+3) over MINNESOTA because I am steadfastly holding to the belief that Minnesota is terrible. I mean, the Chargers in September are the equivalent of the Raiders anytime. Those guys don’t start trying until Week 8, and Minnesota still couldn’t beat them. Plus, Tampa lost to a good Detroit team.

Philadelphia (-2) over ATLANTA because dammit, the Eagles are good. Not good enough to warrant being called the Dream Team, but they’re good. Easily the best in the East. And Atlanta could very well be very overrated. It’s gonna take Julio Jones a while to figure everything out, and Mike Vick could thrive on the Atlanta crowd.

Dallas (-3) over SAN FRANCISCO because San Fran had the benefit of playing Seattle last week, and that game was close until Ted Ginn got lucky on two kicks. By the way, have fun with him doing nothing on all of your fantasy teams for the rest of the season. Dallas hung with a very good Jets team, and like usual, choked in a game where everyone was watching. Classic Cowboys season of always beating the teams they should, and never beating anyone good.

Houston (-3) over MIAMI because the Dolphins are a mess. They got lucky to even get that close to the Pats. Houston knows they’re in a cupcake division and they need to roll over teams like this. Schaub and Andre Johnson have a huge day, and prove that Brady’s Week 1 performance was as much about how shitty the Dolphins are as it was about him. Also, he still will never live this down:

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