Breaking News: Big East to Add Two New Teams

Breaking news out of Providence this morning…Big East Commissioner John Marinatto just announced that the conference has added three new teams to replace the departing Syracuse and Pitt.

“Today is a great day for the Big East and amateur athletics as a whole. In the wake of upheaval and disrepair, we have emerged stronger. It is with great honor that I announce to you today, beginning in the 2012 season, we will add to our legendary conference not just the TCU Horned Frogs, but two other prestigious institutes to replace Syracuse and Pitt.”

Marinatto then introduced the following two teams as the conference’s newest members:



In a move that will surely impress the younger fans of Big East football, the conference will welcome in Dora the Explorer and her friends in 2012. This group’s greatest strength is depth on both sides of the ball and talent at the skill positions.

Speedy scat-back Boots the Monkey is extremely dangerous outside the hash-marks. He runs a 4.3 40 and can turn on a dime. Look for him to return kicks in addition to be the team’s feature back.

Look for wide receiver The Backpack to lead the team in receptions this year. He’s beenquarterback Dora the Explorer’s favorite target for years and is as sure handed as any receiver in the nation despite his lack of hands. With his size, look for him to line up as a tight end from time to time as well.

The big question mark is if the O-line will be able to protect quarterback Dora the Explorer for a full season. Head coach The Map is banking that his inexperienced offensive line of Explorer girls including Naiya, Kate, Emma, Alana, and Teenage Dora will be able to use teamwork and speed to open up holes for Boots and protect Dora the Explorer in the pocket. Whether that will happen remains to be seen.

On the defensive side of the ball, it’s all about lockdown cover corner Swiper the Fox. Swiper may be the first cornerback since Charles Woodson to win the Heisman and is already at the top of many All-America lists. His quick feet and sticky hands make him a nightmare for any offensive coordinator. His only weakness is when a receiver yells out, “Swiper No Swiping!” at which point, his coverage becomes extremely ineffective.




All in all, Team Dora looks to field a strong team in 2012, and should contend for the Big East title right away. Defensive end The Big Red Chicken will anchor a young defensive line and Benny the Bull has the potential to be an All-American Mike Linebacker. If the receivers, Abuela and King Bobo, can stay healthy, (that’s a big if), the offense can be very potent, especially with a poised pocket passer like Dora slinging the rock. It remains to be seen if Free Safety Tico the Squirrel and Fullback Isa Iguana will ever live up to their potential. My bet is on no, but this team should win at least nine games in a very competitive Big East.


The 1992 Charlotte Hornets

There are a few details still to be worked out regarding amateur eligibility and time travel, but Commissioner Marinatto assured everyone that the 1992 Charlotte Hornets would be ready to play at the start of the 2012 season. Featuring NBA legends like Alonzo Mourning and Mugsy Bogues, the Hornets will be a force to be reckoned with once they enter the Big East.

Kendall Gill is expected to start as quarterback, and if all goes right with the space time continuum, he expects to see both Larry Johnson and Grandmama lined up at separate wideout positions at the same time. Alonzo Mourning will anchor the defense at free safety, lining up alongside the likes of Del Curry, Johnny Newman, and David Wingate.

Additionally, much will be expected from defensive end Hugo the Hornet, who will serve a three game suspension for lending his image to an endorsement for Visa and First Union. He is appealing the decision. 

The Hornets greatest struggle will be depth, as they can only field fifteen players, but if head coach Allan Bristow can come up with some magic, 2012 could be the year for 1992 Charlotte Hornets.

“We were very disappointed when Pitt and Syracuse chose to leave for the ACC, but this announcement today has turned that disappointment into hope for a significantly brighter future,” Maranatto said at a press conference today. “We are excited and optimistic about the Big East’s future moving ahead, and look forward to welcoming TCU, Dora the Explorer and Friends, and the 1992 Charlotte Hornets into our family in the next year. 2012 is going to be the best year yet for the Big East!”

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