“Never trust a man in a jumpsuit.”
We live in a fucked up world. This week we had an earthquake in Virginia and a hurricane in New York. Shit happens everyday. And a lot of it sucks. Which is why, in this fucked up world, it has become imminently important to know who you can and cannot trust. People will stab you in the back, spit in your face, and even not give you a ride to the airport when they explicitly told you yesterday, “Yeah, I can give you a ride to the airport.” With that in mind, here’s a list of thirteen men to never trust. Chances are, you probably are one of them. (Unless you’re a woman.) Which probably goes a long way to explain why we live in such a fucked up world.
1) Never Trust A Man With Two First Names
You should know this one already, but if you don’t, learn this lesson now. A man with two first names is a shifty devil. Don’t believe me? Would you trust Hugh Grant, Marc Anthony, or George Michael? Me neither. I’d trust Larry David to write me a great comedy script, but I wouldn’t ask him to help me move. You think John Wayne wouldn’t have sex with your wife if you were neighbors and he knew you were on vacation? Exactly. On top of that, a lot of men with two first names are actors, quite possibly the least trustworthy group of men in the world. “Oh there’s already a Josh Williams working in the film industry. No worries, I’ll just use my middle name and go by Joshua Alexander.” Not around my kids you won’t! Never trust a guy named Joshua Alexander, and never trust a man with two first names.
*Point of Order: This only applies to men’s names. Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. That guy can borrow my car anytime he wants.
2) Never Trust A Man With More Than One Bumper Sticker
I was tempted to write “never trust the man with a bumper sticker,” but then I started thinking. There are a few legitimate reasons to own a bumper sticker. Maybe your kid worked really hard to be an honor student, and you want to show your kid you’re proud. Maybe you’re a veteran and you want to support the troops. There’s more reasons than that, but the bottom line is, there are indeed a few reasons why a trustworthy man may have a bumper sticker. However, there is no reason why a trustworthy man should ever drive around with more than one bumper sticker! I get it, you want us to coexist. Just don’t also tell me to practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty. You know who does that? A man who can’t be trusted!
*Point of order: Your metal car adornment and or license plate frame also counts as a bumper sticker. Don’t try to roll around town with your Darwin fish and think it’s okay to drop a Papas & Beer on your bumper like it’s no big thing. That, sir, is the exact behavior of a man that is not to be trusted.
3) Never Trust A Man Whose Three Favorite Teams Are The Yankees, Lakers, and Cowboys
Nobody likes a frontrunner. The man who is a fan simultaneously of the Lakers, Yankees, and Cowboys is the worst kind of human being. He weighed his options and went with the masses. He is a sheep, a lemming. Do you want to trust a lemming? You’ll probably end up falling off a cliff.
*Self-Reporting: I am in fact, a fan of both the Lakers and Cowboys. However, I grew up in Los Angeles, meaning I have every right to support the Lakers. I also grew up in Los Angeles in the 90’s, which means I had no local football team. Thus, I chose my best friend’s team, the Cowboys. For the record, I despise the Yankees.
For further reference, please see Bill Simmons’ “Rules for Being a True Fan.”
4)Never Trust A Man That Overgrooms
The Man That Overgrooms is a large umbrella group of a number of untrustworthy men. For the most part, they are men who take proper grooming habits, which are to be used in moderation, way too far. Let’s take a look:
a) The Man That Shaves His Chest
Up until a few months ago, I was this man. Then I grew a pair and realized that men are supposed to have chest hair. They are also supposed to trim that chest hair if it becomes unruly.
b) The Man That Shaves His Balls
Grown ups have pubic hair. That’s a fact of life. The metrosexual movement of a few years ago tried to convince us otherwise, but I think we all can agree the style trends of the mid 2000s were a huge mistake. (Ed Hardy anyone?) Like with chest hair, keep it trimmed but still existing and you’ll be just fine. Besides, what woman wants to put something in her mouth that looks like it belongs to a twelve year old boy?
c) The Man That Waxes His Eyebrows
First things first. If you’re getting mistaken for Adam Carolla, go and get your brows cleaned up. It’s perfectly permissible. Nobody’s forehead should be 50% brows. However, for the rest of you, you know who you are. You idiots who are going to the esthetician every three weeks hoping to look like DJ Pauly D. Stop it! Nobody will ever trust a man who looks like he has two dark sperms trying to sneak across his forehead.
d) The Man With Girl Hair
Seriously, never trust this man. One day, you’re going need a ride to the emergency room, and he’s going to spend an hour in the mirror with his various pomades while you bleed to death.
e) The Man That Gets Manicures
Do you want to ask somebody to help you move who’s going to be worried about breaking a nail? Me neither.
5) Never Trust A Man With a Vanity Plate
Ah, the vanity plate. Calling card of the untrustworthy. Its very name embodies untrustworthiness. We learned from The Man Who Overgrooms that trustworthy men, in general, tend to lack vanity. The vanity plate indicates a man who is just a little too pleased with himself and finds himself a little too clever. At the very least, the vanity plate carries the proverbial weight of three bumper stickers, which we all know to be an unforgivable error.
*Point of order: There is a special place in hell for any man that confounds the public with an indecipherable vanity plate.
*Point of order 2: The only man with a vanity plate that I trust is this guy:
6) Never The Trust A Man Who Diverges From Group Drinking Patterns
Everybody’s drinking beer at a busy happy hour. He orders a mojito. Everybody’s enjoying a nice bottle of red wine. He insists on having his IPA. Everybody’s drinking martinis at a dinner party. He tries to make shots happen. If you wouldn’t trust him with a drink order, would you trust him with anything else?
*Related Man to Never Trust: Never Trust The Man That Makes The Bartender Work Too Hard. “What do you mean you don’t have Fat Tire Summer Blend on tap? Fine I’ll just take a martini made with Ciroc Coconut stirred with two and a half twists of lemon and salt on an eight of the rim. Did I mention I want it stirred? Because I do.”
Part two here.