Week 2 College Picks

Just a lil heads up…next week I’ll reveal the new college bandwagon I’m jumping on…the choices are being narrowed down, but there’s still time to submit your team. Anyway, onto the picks!

3-4 last week.

3-4 for the season (obviously).

Home teams in CAPS

WISCONSIN (-16) over Oregon State because did you see Wisconsin in Week 1? Ok. And did you see Russell Wilson? Ok. And did you see Oregon State? No? Oh, well they lost to to Sacramento State. Isn’t Sacramento State an NAIA team? Do they play 8-man football? How is this game at Camp Randall and Wisconsin is only giving 16? Slam dunk. The Badgers are making statements all over the place.

Stanford (-22) over DUKE because this is the other team hell bent on making sure everyone notices them. And this is another line that can’t be high enough. I don’t know what else to say. We all know Stanford is good. We all know Andrew Luck is good. We all know Duke probably sucks. This isn’t that hard…I mean, ah fuck, picking games is super hard. Don’t ever try to do it yourself! Listening to me and me alone! Or not. Do what you want. It’s a free country.

Mississippi State (-2) over AUBURN because Cam Newton is getting ready to get sacked a whole shitload of times in Carolina and Nick Fairley is busy carrying Ndamukong Suh’s luggage. And also, they probably should have lost to Utah State last week. And also, Mississippi State doesn’t suck anymore.

UPSET!!!

New Mexico (+40) over ARKANSAS because 40? It’s 40 points! Now granted New Mexico has no chance in hell, but 40? Aren’t the odds 50/50 that Arkansas gets tired of scoring and just mails in the second half? 40? And Arkansas is good, but still they’re only #14. Stanford by 40 makes sense. Not Arkansas.

UPSET  !!! AGAIN!!!

Utah (+6.5) over USC because even Lane Kiffin admits USC only has two good players. And don’t think Norm Chow isn’t going to pull out all the stops now that he’s back home and can make a statement. Utah’s just might be frisky this year, and USC well, they almost got beat by Minnesota.

upset…but it’s not a big line so it gets lower case and ellipses instead of all caps and exclamation points.

MICHIGAN (+1.5) over Notre Dame because Brian Kelly might have broken the Irish last week. Also picking Notre Dame is no fun. It’s like rooting for the Cobra Kai. No, the  Cobra Kai was kind of cool Picking Notre Dame is like rooting for that rich middle aged guy from Karate Kid 3 who for some reason had a vendetta against a teenager in a karate tournament. It’s just not right. Also, at least Michigan has a quarterback.

Cal (-5) over COLORADO because Colorado sucks this year. End of story. See ya next week.

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College Football Picks Week 1

Before we start, I’m actively searching for a college football team to follow for the year. Apparently, Baylor heard that in the running, and brought their A game tonight. For more information on my search, click here.

Now onto the picks!

Home teams in CAPS.

STANFORD (-28) over San Jose St. because um, yeah, Andrew Luck and a new coach with something to prove. Plus it’s on the Farm? I’m looking for the Card to win by 40.

Boise State (+3) over GEORGIA because like many years, Georgia is probably overrated. Add to that the fact that if Boise State wins, they know they’ve got a  very winnable schedule for the rest of the year. Boise State is gonna be playing their balls off, knowing this game is the key to a BCS Title Game berth. (Yea! Hyperbole!) I look for them to jump on Georgia early and keep them at bay in a game that’ll be close by the end.

Oregon (+3) over Lsu (neutral field) because LSU isn’t just missing their starting quarterback, they’re missing their best receiver. Add to that LaMichael James a year older and angrier and nothing Oregon’s missing is going to even register. Ducks win in a shootout.

UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!

Smu (+14) over TEXAS A & M because a little too much switching conferences talk sprinkled in with a pinch of June Jones magic has me thinking upset. Kids in college can’t help but be distracted. Which is why all this Aggies to the SEC talk during game week is gonna fuck with these kids’ heads. June Jones with the upset.

MARYLAND (-4) over Miami because Maryland has the excitement that comes from directly biting Oregon’s uniform style. That tends to get 18 year olds pretty amped up. Miami just has the glooming spectre of the death penalty. They’re gonna suck this year.

Ucla (+3) over HOUSTON because I believe in redemption. Last year, UCLA fucked me over and actually beat Houston. Now I’m turning the tables, because with Rick Neuheisel’s back against the wall, I think we’re gonna see something, anything out of UCLA. Also, Case Keenum, not so sexy anymore. Kind of like Jessica Simpson.

NOTRE DAME (-7) over South Florida because we get it, Lou Holtz’s kid is playing against Notre Dame. It’s not a story. I’m taking the Irish because they’re supposed to be ok this year, and fuck grown men named Skip.

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Somebody to Love…

Tears are running, ahhh, they’re all, running down your breast
And your friends, baby, they treat you like a guest.
Don’t you want somebody to love
Don’t you need somebody to love
Wouldn’t you love somebody to love
You better find somebody to love

                                          -Jefferson Airplane

I have never been to a college football game. Wait. That’s a lie. When I was twelve, my dad took me to a football game at Santa Monica City College. Our friend Mike was playing running back. One of the wideouts on his team was a guy named Chad. Chad ended up changing his name a few years later. To Ochocinco. But back then, to me, he was just another guy in a blue uniform who wasn’t Mike.

 

So let me rephrase my original point. I have never been to a real college football game. A real college football game is played in a place with a catchy “the” title like “The Big House” , “The Horseshoe” , “The Swamp”, or  even “The Place Where That Five Foot Five Dude Gave Money to All Those Dudes From Miami So They Could Get Hookers and Abortions.”

Real college football is preceded by four hours of  cheap beer and hot food prepared and consumed in the bed of your buddy’s truck outside the stadium. Real college football is marching bands and cheerleaders and fight songs and fans like these:

     Real college football is pageantry and tradition and stadiums that measure attendance with six digits. Real college football is not a large patch of grass by the beach with a couple hundred bleachers scattered on one side.  I have never experienced real college football.

My alma mater is Westmont College, a small private school in a wealthy Santa Barbara suburb called Montecito. The student body is about the size of an average high school. We do not have a football team. Unless you mean football in the European sense.

Which I don’t. The nearest traditionally sized university to us is UCSB, a school which also does not have a football team. The only other school in town is Santa Barbara City College. As I stated before, in the same way that city college is not real college, city college football is not real college football. It is city college football.

This year, I want a change. I love college football. My Saturdays in the fall always start the same way: bowl of oatmeal and Gameday. After Lee Corso, engages in some light cosplay, the rest of the day is spent on the couch with the remote in one hand and a beer in the other. Every Friday I write a picks column. Every Sunday I add to my backlog of DVR’d BCS Rankings Shows. I love this shit.

But this year, I want more. As much as I love college football, I’ve never had a team of my own. I grew up in L.A., but had no allegiance to any of the local teams. Oh sure, when UCLA made their run in ‘98 with Cade McNown and Bob Toledo, I cheered. When Bush and Leinart rattled off a couple titles (even though that technically didn’t happen anymore), I was happy. My dad spent a couple semesters at Cal, so I hopped on the Jahvid Best bandwagon a couple years ago. But none of those teams were ever my team. They were always just there. The same way that Santa Monica City College was.

This year, I want a team. A team that I care about. A team that I can follow. A team that I can get excited about. A team that I can get pissed off about. In short, for the first time in my life, I want to experience real college football. This is where you come in.

We live in the era of crowdsourcing.  Kickstarter, Twitter, etc, etc. Today, I’ve decided to crowdsource my college football allegiance. For one year, I am going to become a fan of a new college football team. Who that team is is up to you. Leave a comment here. Tweet me. Facebook me. Mail me a letter. Convince me why your team should become my team. I will be the Ruth to your Naomi. (Biblical reference, kids).  We will walk from September to January together. Your struggles will be my struggles. Your painted face will be my painted face. Your jersey will be my jersey. (Not really. I don’t like sharing clothes.)

Or maybe you want someone to cheer against. Convince me to become a fan of your biggest rival. I will back that team like I spent seven years Van Wildering the shit out of that campus.

Whoever I choose, I will become fanatical about that team until this time next year. I’ll refer to the team as “we”. I’ll live tweet during games. I’ll play exclusively as that team in NCAA ’12. I’ll back them as fervently as I do all the rest of my favorite teams, probably even more. So now, go ahead, leave a comment, email me, tweet me, facebook me, however you can get a hold of me, please for the love of God, help me find somebody to love!

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7 More Men You Should Never Trust (Part 2 of an Ongoing Series)

Who are you going to ask to help you move? Who do you know that’s willing to give you a ride to the airport? If you die, who’s going to watch your kids? And if you have to work late, who are you going to count on not to fuck your wife? Trust is the foundational element upon which our entire society is built. That and hyperbole. Bearing this in mind, it is absolutely crucial that you know, either as a man or a woman of Planet Earth, who the fuck you can trust and who the fuck you should never fucking trust. I give you seven more men you should never trust.

In case you missed it, here’s part 1.

1) Never Trust A Man With Frequently Changing Facial Hair

     

Homeless Beard. McGwire Goatee. Cop Stache. Soul Patch. Neck Beard. Sideburns. Muttonchops. Trimmed Beard. Evil Twin Goatee. Pushbroom. Handlebar. 5 O’Clock Shadow. Circle Beard. Fu Man Chu. The Salvador Dali. The Galifanakis. A man who is indecisive with his facial hair is a man who is indecisive in all things. An indecisive man is not to be trusted.

2) Never Trust A Man Who Uses Emoticons

🙂    😦    :-0   This is not the language of a man. This is the language of a thirteen year old girl. Key defining characteristics of a thirteen year old girl: cattiness, flakiness, and a predilection for very shitty music. The lesson here, as always, is never trust a thirteen year old girl. And never trust a man who texts like he’s a thirteen year old girl.

3) Never Trust A Man Who Wears Short Sleeves With A Tie

   

If a man can’t commit to sleeves, there isn’t much he can commit to. “Well, I’m just worried, I don’t know, that it might get warm in the office and then I might be uncomfortable.” Hey, trustworthy men deal with discomfort everyday! It’s what happens when you walk around with a set of balls between your legs. Sometimes they chafe. Sometimes they swing around too much. And sometimes, well sometimes, they just hurt for no good reason in particular. You, Man with Short Sleeves and a Tie, you were born with these kinds of balls. But somewhere along the way, you lost track of them. Maybe you should go on a quest to find them. Because quests are the kinds of things that trustworthy men do. And while you’re on that quest, see if you can’t find some goddamn sleeves.

4) Never Trust A Man With Small Ears

 

A trustworthy man is a good listener. How can you be a good listener if you have tiny little baby ears? Ergo, how can you be a trustworthy man with tiny little baby ears? Also, small ears are really weird looking. Seriously, look at those pictures of Shelden Williams. He looks like the lady from Van Gogh’s Scream had sex with a baby. An angry baby. An angry baby that was born a month early.

*Point of Order: If you have five minutes to kill, google image search “Shelden Williams baby ears.” You won’t be disappointed.

5) Never Trust A Man Whose Favorite Sport Is Tennis

True Story: When I was growing up, my parents had a friend named Jim. Jim’s favorite sport was tennis. Jim made a point to make sure that everyone knew that his favorite sport was tennis. I remember one year when my dad and a bunch of his friends were all talking about the Super Bowl,  Jim butted in with, “Well, you know, my Super Bowl was actually last night. Australian Open. Courier v. Edberg. Yeah!” Jim would later abandon his wife (who was smoking hot) and three children. When my dad was in a hospital bed dying of cancer, Jim tried to call my mom to hit on her. Fuck you Jim. And fuck you tennis.

*Point of Order: It’s perfectly acceptable to like tennis. It’s a fine sport. Just don’t make it your favorite sport.

6) Never Trust A Man Who Asks For Separate Checks

When a trustworthy man goes out to dinner with friends, he brings cash. If cash is not readily available to him, he pays his portion in the way that is easiest for the server. That might mean splitting the check evenly sight unseen, or writing down the amount of money he would like his card charged. He does not, repeat, DOES NOT ever, repeat, EVER request separate checks. A man who is unprepared asks for separate checks. A man who is uncaring for the feelings of others asks for separate checks. A man who is untrustworthy asks for separate checks.

*Point of Order: A real man just picks up the whole damn check.

*Point of Order 2: The Man Who Asks For Separate Checks is the slightly more bearable cousin of The Man Who Tips Poorly. It should be understood not to trust that man either.

7) Never Trust A Man Whose Nickname is “Snake”

Seriously, his fucking nickname is “Snake”. What the fuck did you expect?

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6 Men You Should Never Trust (Part 1 of an Ongoing Series)

“Never trust a man in a jumpsuit.”

-Charles Bukowski

We live in a fucked up world. This week we had an earthquake in Virginia and a hurricane in New York. Shit happens everyday. And a lot of it sucks. Which is why, in this fucked up world, it has become imminently important to know who you can and  cannot trust. People will stab you in the back, spit in your face, and even not give you a ride to the airport when they explicitly told you yesterday, “Yeah, I can give you a ride to the airport.” With that in mind, here’s a list of  thirteen men to never trust. Chances are, you probably are one of them. (Unless you’re a woman.) Which probably goes a long way to explain why we live in such a fucked up world.

1) Never Trust A Man With Two First Names

You should know this one already, but if you don’t, learn this lesson now. A man with two first names is a shifty devil. Don’t believe me? Would you trust Hugh Grant, Marc Anthony, or George Michael? Me neither. I’d trust Larry David to write me a great comedy script, but I wouldn’t ask him to help me move. You think John Wayne wouldn’t have sex with your wife if you were neighbors and he knew you were on vacation? Exactly. On top of that, a lot of men with two first names are actors, quite possibly the least trustworthy group of men in the world. “Oh there’s already a Josh Williams working in the film industry. No worries, I’ll just use my middle name and go by Joshua Alexander.” Not around my kids you won’t! Never trust a guy named Joshua Alexander, and never trust a man with two first names.

*Point of Order: This only applies to men’s names. Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. That guy can borrow my car anytime he wants.

2) Never Trust A Man With More Than One Bumper Sticker

I was tempted to write “never trust the man with a bumper sticker,” but then I started thinking. There are a few legitimate reasons to own a bumper sticker. Maybe your kid worked really hard to be an honor student, and you want to show your kid you’re proud. Maybe you’re a veteran and you want to support the troops. There’s more reasons than that, but the bottom line is, there are indeed a few reasons why a trustworthy man may have a bumper sticker. However, there is no reason why a trustworthy man should ever drive around with more than one bumper sticker! I get it, you want us to coexist. Just don’t also tell me to practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty. You know who does that? A man who can’t be trusted!

*Point of order: Your metal car adornment and or license plate frame also counts as a bumper sticker. Don’t try to roll around town with your Darwin fish and think it’s okay to drop a Papas & Beer on your bumper like it’s no big thing. That, sir, is the exact behavior of a man that is not to be trusted.

3) Never Trust A Man Whose Three Favorite Teams Are The Yankees, Lakers, and Cowboys

           

Nobody likes a frontrunner. The man who is a fan simultaneously of the Lakers, Yankees, and Cowboys is the worst kind of human being. He weighed his options and went with the masses. He is a sheep, a lemming. Do you want to trust a lemming? You’ll probably end up falling off a cliff.

*Self-Reporting: I am in fact, a fan of both the Lakers and Cowboys. However, I grew up in Los Angeles, meaning I have every right to support the Lakers. I also grew up in Los Angeles in the 90’s, which means I had no local football team. Thus, I chose my best friend’s team, the Cowboys. For the record, I despise the Yankees.

For further reference, please see Bill Simmons’ “Rules for Being a True Fan.”

4)Never Trust A Man That Overgrooms

The Man That Overgrooms is a large umbrella group of a number of untrustworthy men. For the most part, they are men who take proper grooming habits, which are to be used in moderation, way too far. Let’s take a look:

a) The Man That Shaves His Chest

Up until a few months ago, I was this man. Then I grew a pair and realized that men           are supposed to have chest hair. They are also supposed to trim that chest hair if it             becomes unruly.

b) The Man That Shaves His Balls

Grown ups have pubic hair. That’s a fact of life. The metrosexual movement of a few years ago tried to convince us otherwise, but I think we all can agree the style trends of the mid 2000s were a huge mistake. (Ed Hardy anyone?) Like with chest hair, keep it trimmed but still existing and you’ll be just fine. Besides, what woman wants to put something in her mouth that looks like it belongs to a twelve year old boy?

c) The Man That Waxes His Eyebrows

First things first. If you’re getting mistaken for Adam Carolla, go and get your brows cleaned up. It’s perfectly permissible. Nobody’s forehead should be 50% brows. However, for the rest of you, you know who you are. You idiots who are going to the esthetician every three weeks hoping to look like DJ Pauly D. Stop it! Nobody will ever trust a man who looks like he has two dark sperms trying to sneak across his forehead.

d) The Man With Girl Hair

Seriously, never trust this man. One day, you’re going need a ride to the emergency room, and he’s going to spend an hour in the mirror with his various pomades while you bleed to death.

e) The Man That Gets Manicures

Do you want to ask somebody to help you move who’s going to be worried about breaking a nail? Me neither.

5) Never Trust A Man With a Vanity Plate

Ah, the vanity plate. Calling card of the untrustworthy. Its very name embodies untrustworthiness. We learned from The Man Who Overgrooms that trustworthy men, in general, tend to lack vanity. The vanity plate indicates a man who is just a little too pleased with himself and finds himself a little too clever. At the very least,  the vanity plate carries the proverbial weight of three bumper stickers, which we all know to be an unforgivable error.

*Point of order: There is a special place in hell for any man that confounds the public with an indecipherable vanity plate.

*Point of order 2: The only man with a vanity plate that I trust is this guy:

6) Never The Trust A Man Who Diverges From Group Drinking Patterns

Everybody’s drinking beer at a busy happy hour. He orders a mojito. Everybody’s enjoying a nice bottle of red wine. He insists on having his IPA. Everybody’s drinking martinis at a dinner party. He tries to make shots happen. If you wouldn’t trust him with a drink order, would you trust him with anything else?

*Related Man to Never Trust: Never Trust The Man That Makes The Bartender Work Too Hard. “What do you mean you don’t have Fat Tire Summer Blend on tap? Fine I’ll just take a martini made with Ciroc Coconut stirred with two and a half twists of lemon and salt on an eight of the rim. Did I mention I want it stirred? Because I do.”

Part two here.

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Breaking News!

Chris Broussard is reporting this three team deal is in the works and very close to being finalized. Apparently, the Lakers are also trying to get PBS involved as they are very interested in acquiring Elmo and would be willing to throw Steve Blake and/or Shannon Brown.  The salaries absolutely match.

LA LAKERS GET:

Dora the Explorer       Boots            Eureeka from Eureeka’s Castle

CHARLOTTE BOBCATS GET:

Doug Funnie                Ron Artest          David the Gnome

NICKELODEON GETS:

Gerald Wallace                Theo Ratliff           Kwame Brown’s Expiring Contract


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Who Doesn’t Make This Trade?

In case you’re wondering, yes, I texted this trade into PMS on Fox Sports Radio and it got on air today. Here are the details. And in case, you’re wondering, yes, the salaries do match.

DENVER NUGGETS GET:

Ultimate Warrior        Big Bossman      The Intercontintental Title

WWF GETS:

CARMELO ANTHONY          BIRDMAN’S FAUX-HAWK

PLUS DENVER’S 2012 SECOND ROUND PICK

 

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